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We are allowed to get furious and sometimes a bit revolting, at points to say ‘absolutely not’ and ‘because I feel like it’.The adults know their own flaws and do not expect a child to be fundamentally better than they are.We can pick out candidates who are kind and nurturing – and don’t judge them as weak or deficient for being so.– In an emotionally healthy upbringing, we aren’t always required to be wholly good boys or girls.We do not have to comply at every turn to be tolerated. This period of freedom prepares us one day to submit to the demands of society without having to rebel in self-defeating ways (rebels being, at heart, people who had to obey too much too early).

They help us to be on our own side, to like ourselves – and therefore eventually not to be too defensive about our own flaws, whose existence we grow strong enough to accept.– In a good childhood, the relationship with our caregiver is steady, consistent and long-term.They kept the chaos and noise at bay and cut the world up into manageable pieces for us.They did not, all the while, ask that we thank them, understand them or show them sympathy.We trust that they will be there tomorrow and the day after. They are almost boringly predictable and happy to be taken for granted.As a result, we develop a trust in relationships that spreads throughout our life.