I did a highly unscientific poll of my family, friends, and random strangers on the bus, and they all agree: Juan Pablo’s season is the worst season in the history of . Then Juan Pablo sassed Chris Harrison on the episode, effectively losing the three people in America who still didn’t hate him.
(We are, of course, talking about Sharleen and Andi.) Never has a Bachelor made Chris Harrison consider assaulting someone on live television. Every conversation is the same and  lacking in depth.
Actually, there’ll be 21 human beings in the mix, but “identical twins Brittany and Erica Taltos will compete as one participant,” a development that’s particularly nauseating considering that “participants” on Bachelor Pad play half-naked Twister/swap spit/engage in “night vision camera shenanigans” with new and multiple partners with the ease and frequency of pigeons pecking at discarded bits of sidewalk shawarma.
Indeed, 15 former players from The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise — along with five “superfans” — will “gather back at the mansion to live together to possibly find a second chance at love and compete for 0,000,” according to the network. Never before have two contestants, let alone the two most self-aware contestants, peaced out on their Bachelor. Now I realize that we never heard him speak because it’s nearly impossible to get a decent sound bite out of him. After creating some metrics, I assigned values 0 through 5 for each category, and thus created the most comprehensive ranking of all 18 seasons of . When he was a contestant on Desiree’s season, I just thought we never heard Juan Pablo speak because he never had any one-on-one time with the Bachelorette.[Editor's note: The Bachelor franchise, changing lives for the better, one at a time! The second season of “Bachelor Pad” is upping the drama by bringing Jake Pavelka and his ex-fiancee Vienna Girardi back under the same roof, along with several other of the, uh, more colorful characters from recent “Bachelor/ette” seasons. But the cast also includes Gia Allemand, who was on the first “Bachelor Pad” and apparently has a bone to pick with Vienna over her breakup with Wes; Kasey Kahl, who according to ABC’s release is dating Vienna now (really, these people should widen the dating pool a little); the polarizing Michelle Money from Brad Womack’s second go-round; girlfriend-calling pro wrestler Justin “Rated R” Rego; and another Jake dumpee, single mom Ella Nolan, who comes to “Bachelor Pad” fresh off a broken engagement.