One friend (who wishes to remain anonymous lest her non-boyfriend reads this) explains: “I’ve been seeing this guy for four months now – we’re dating and see each other a couple of times a week.However, if anyone refers to me as his girlfriend in front of him, the colour drains from his face.So, let me help you out with some suggestions next time you’re asked to define your non-relationship: “Well Gran, it’s funny you should ask, there is someone on the scene, we’re: sleeping together/seeing each other/dating/friends with benefits/friends (apparently the same as friends with benefits, but twice as infuriating) /having an affair (it’s unfortunate when, after 12 dates you discover that his reticence to define your relationship is down to his previously unmentioned wife) or wasting each other’s time until something better comes along.” I agree that technology – evil, brain-sapping technology – might play its part here. When I asked for further clarification as to what we were doing he said “We’re friends - you’re my friend.” Hilariously, when the article in question came out, a couple of my other exes read the piece and took credit for that particular quote (hint: it was none of them), which is a sorry example of quite how often I've gone down that particular road. My new rule is, eight weeks – if someone won’t call it after eight weeks, then I’m out of there.We can be in touch with our potential paramours all the time – via texts, on Facebook, on email – and this constant contact can be misleading – giving us the impression that we’re embroiled in something much more meaningful than we really are. My reasoning being that if someone doesn’t feel strongly enough about me after a couple of months, then they’re never going to feel strongly enough for me to spend time and energy on them.
Online dating, and our ability to be in constant contact with everyone we know via text, email or social media make us unwilling to commit to one person, and more likely to want to hedge our bets. In an article I wrote earlier this year about modern dating, I used the example of a man I’d been sleeping with for over a year, who got cross when I referred to him as my boyfriend.
“I’ve never willingly called any of the women I’ve been out with my girlfriends – even the ones I’ve lived with.
I always have to be really pushed into making it more serious – but that’s just the way I am, it’s nothing personal.” I’m not sure I buy this – how would his (lucky, lucky) girlfriend feel if she heard him saying, outright, that he hadn’t been too fussed about her when they got together, and that they’re only together now because of her tenacity?
But, it would be unfair to only focus on men when there are many women who could use the same reality check, too.
So here’s my follow up for all you ladies who need that advice you won’t get anywhere else.